This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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