Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I had to cum in my sink.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
