4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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