Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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