We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
