I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
