I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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