i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
