so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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