I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
