Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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