In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
