I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
