i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
