My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
