Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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