Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
