did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
