Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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