I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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