barbara walters just said penis...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
