walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
