i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
