um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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