You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
