Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
