if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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