Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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