Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
