I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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