I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
