yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
