Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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