grandma shit on top of the toilet
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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