my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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