I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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