Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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