I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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