You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
