Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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