Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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