She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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