I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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