I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
