you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
