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im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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