I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
