mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
