listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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