How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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