Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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