she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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