You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
