she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
