There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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