On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
