dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
