splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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