There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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