He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.