For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
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I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.