how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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